Horoscopes

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and
people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are
generally a dipshit.

ARIES (3/21-4/19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are
dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are
a prick.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for
thriving on incest.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That
is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in
prison is a Cancer.

LEO (7/23-8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
motherfuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
sh[itpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good bus
drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If your male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of
venereal disease.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in
business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of
success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a son-of-a-bitch.
Most Scorpio's are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are not worth the
time of day.

CARPICORN (12/22-1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself.